23 days.

Hi everyone,

So i am in a blog mood so i just though i should write. So this morning i had an appointment with my nutritionist, where i had a weigh in and a chat about the near future, when it comes to school and everything. When i was there another appointment was made for the 24th of this month which means i have 23 days to lose 10 kg. without eating a lot less as ill be with my family the whole time. I will need to burn about 4000 – 4500 calories per day by exersise and yes. I will cut out snacks and eat less and just drink water.

You are probabliy wondering why though you are doing semi okay. Well i just feel as if this whole thing is just to hard and i need a break from my feeling and well not eating does that and if i want more help i will get it by being a bad weight and i will be taken seriously and i will look nice and well tbh there aren’t that many bad bits behind it. So yes… this is what im going to do!

xoxo 😦

relapse?!

Hi everyone,

So i am in a very low mood so i decided to blog just to get everything of my chest. I am not coping right now. I thought i was doing okay but as soon as i stepped foot into my bedroom all my memories came flooding back. Looking in the mirror i felt fatter than before and just everything in my head just shifted and i felt lost and alone again. I can feel myself sliping back to where i was but only this time i realise its a good thing because i can numb all my pain and that’s what i have realised, that the reason recovery is so very difficult, even though i am now phisically healthy, as i have to face all my problems head on and i can’t help but think its not worth it. I’m not worth it. therefore i am not going to try anymore but atthe same time im not, not trying. If that makes any sence. so i wont try or not try, i’ll just see what happens. As i can’t continue like this.  So lets just wait and see, mind you i haven’t accually got my period again but i might just say i have but its been a little random and stuff. I am meeting the people tommorow so yep 😦 xoxo see u soon

A surreal experience

Hi everyone, back again.

So today is the 31st of July and i just came home from a family holiday. On the holiday i secretely stuggled with everything but didnt want to burdin my parents by telling them so i kept everything to myself.

About a week ago i had the most surreal dream and for some reason it made sense and in a weird way it felt like it could happen, which it won’t. I was at school and in the cafiteria when i heard mummbering and the next thing i know i jump over the counted and grab a knife andrun out of the school, going into an alleyway. From there i write a letter saying goodbye to everyone and i was about to die when a guy in my year, who i havent spoken to in ages, comes up to me and says its okay and ican get help and that so many people love and would miss me. I was in shock and as he took the knife awayhe hugged me. An ambulence was called and i got in it and woke up. Some people would take this as a sign that i am meant to live on and that it just shows but to me it put things in perspective and that the guy doesn’t care about me and thati know for a fact cuz i haven’t spoken to him in so long and that i know if i ever acted upset that no one would follow me.

so yes that was my dream and i just thought i would document it here before i forget it

xoxo 🙂

Dream or Reality

Date – 4.3.17

Last night i had a really vivid dream that felt so incredibly real. I was at school and i was changing for P.E. then suddenly everyone was laughing at how fat i was, they were trying to count the rolls. I started to cry and they all called me an attention seeker so i ran into a cubicle. Then i was at home and cutting myself but then everyone was there and they were calling me fake, an attention seeker and a loser. They told everyone and the teachers said that they couldn’t have “someone like me” at the school.

The thing is it felt so real that when i woke i thought it happened in real life. So yeh kust though i’d share my dream

xx Soph

Blink of an Eye

Hi, im back and i honestly don’t know how i feel. I have gained 4 kg but somehow feel happier, i am on a school holiday maybe the lack of stress is changing me and on monday everything will change.

Its friday now. I have finished my week back and i knew my happiness would not last i am so stressed and i keep eating so much fucking food. At the moment i am eating 400- 600 calories a day and i feel sick just looking in the mirror. I am self harming again but i’m scared as i use my thighs and in summer i am going on a beach holiday.

Right now i feel like i want help as i am constantly faking everything and i don’t know if i can do it for much longer but at them same time i am not skinny enough to get help.

I often have dreams about me dying and how everything would be so much better that way but i can’t to that to my family, it would break my mums heart. I am so embarrassed that i am this attention seaking, can’t i just be normal but what is normal.

I feel like everyone is moving on and making new friends and i am too socially retarded to even say hi and if i do talk i get nervous and don’t stop talking. So i just smile at everyone and laugh at everything just so people feel apprechated.

I sometimes imagine sonarious that i go to my mentor person at school and just say everything that i fake being happy, that i cut myself, that i try to starve myself and that i buy tons of parocetomal so if i want to end everything i can, but that’s only imaginary. Infact at school i am known for being so postive and happy.

I probabliy will end up being that girl that just is silent and everyone thinks is a freak,  but thats if i am not already.

So yeh, sorry for my ramble i just needed to vent.

much love. x.

January

This month has been okay. I know it’s not over yet, even though i do want it to be. I have felt like i am in this continuous cycle of loosing, gaining, loosing and so on. I have met a new coach who is very controling but worth while, i lost a kg in a day. So i think by having a ruthless influence i am succeeding. As for my self harming i am getting better, i am only cutting when i know for sure i should, so when i do cut i really do feel punished. Friends are still limited as they all chat over lunch and i am never in the hall so.. that’s great. My few friends that are still there for me have no idea about the way i feel i guess thoses acting lessons really payed of. My grades are okay at the moment but they are not my prioirty, i just really want to look and feel nice, fat free. So that is all for now, quite the unevenful month! xx Soph