23 days.

Hi everyone,

So i am in a blog mood so i just though i should write. So this morning i had an appointment with my nutritionist, where i had a weigh in and a chat about the near future, when it comes to school and everything. When i was there another appointment was made for the 24th of this month which means i have 23 days to lose 10 kg. without eating a lot less as ill be with my family the whole time. I will need to burn about 4000 – 4500 calories per day by exersise and yes. I will cut out snacks and eat less and just drink water.

You are probabliy wondering why though you are doing semi okay. Well i just feel as if this whole thing is just to hard and i need a break from my feeling and well not eating does that and if i want more help i will get it by being a bad weight and i will be taken seriously and i will look nice and well tbh there aren’t that many bad bits behind it. So yes… this is what im going to do!

xoxo 😦

Dream or Reality

Date – 4.3.17

Last night i had a really vivid dream that felt so incredibly real. I was at school and i was changing for P.E. then suddenly everyone was laughing at how fat i was, they were trying to count the rolls. I started to cry and they all called me an attention seeker so i ran into a cubicle. Then i was at home and cutting myself but then everyone was there and they were calling me fake, an attention seeker and a loser. They told everyone and the teachers said that they couldn’t have “someone like me” at the school.

The thing is it felt so real that when i woke i thought it happened in real life. So yeh kust though i’d share my dream

xx Soph

Blink of an Eye

Hi, im back and i honestly don’t know how i feel. I have gained 4 kg but somehow feel happier, i am on a school holiday maybe the lack of stress is changing me and on monday everything will change.

Its friday now. I have finished my week back and i knew my happiness would not last i am so stressed and i keep eating so much fucking food. At the moment i am eating 400- 600 calories a day and i feel sick just looking in the mirror. I am self harming again but i’m scared as i use my thighs and in summer i am going on a beach holiday.

Right now i feel like i want help as i am constantly faking everything and i don’t know if i can do it for much longer but at them same time i am not skinny enough to get help.

I often have dreams about me dying and how everything would be so much better that way but i can’t to that to my family, it would break my mums heart. I am so embarrassed that i am this attention seaking, can’t i just be normal but what is normal.

I feel like everyone is moving on and making new friends and i am too socially retarded to even say hi and if i do talk i get nervous and don’t stop talking. So i just smile at everyone and laugh at everything just so people feel apprechated.

I sometimes imagine sonarious that i go to my mentor person at school and just say everything that i fake being happy, that i cut myself, that i try to starve myself and that i buy tons of parocetomal so if i want to end everything i can, but that’s only imaginary. Infact at school i am known for being so postive and happy.

I probabliy will end up being that girl that just is silent and everyone thinks is a freak,  but thats if i am not already.

So yeh, sorry for my ramble i just needed to vent.

much love. x.