A surreal experience

Hi everyone, back again.

So today is the 31st of July and i just came home from a family holiday. On the holiday i secretely stuggled with everything but didnt want to burdin my parents by telling them so i kept everything to myself.

About a week ago i had the most surreal dream and for some reason it made sense and in a weird way it felt like it could happen, which it won’t. I was at school and in the cafiteria when i heard mummbering and the next thing i know i jump over the counted and grab a knife andrun out of the school, going into an alleyway. From there i write a letter saying goodbye to everyone and i was about to die when a guy in my year, who i havent spoken to in ages, comes up to me and says its okay and ican get help and that so many people love and would miss me. I was in shock and as he took the knife awayhe hugged me. An ambulence was called and i got in it and woke up. Some people would take this as a sign that i am meant to live on and that it just shows but to me it put things in perspective and that the guy doesn’t care about me and thati know for a fact cuz i haven’t spoken to him in so long and that i know if i ever acted upset that no one would follow me.

so yes that was my dream and i just thought i would document it here before i forget it

xoxo 🙂

Dream or Reality

Date – 4.3.17

Last night i had a really vivid dream that felt so incredibly real. I was at school and i was changing for P.E. then suddenly everyone was laughing at how fat i was, they were trying to count the rolls. I started to cry and they all called me an attention seeker so i ran into a cubicle. Then i was at home and cutting myself but then everyone was there and they were calling me fake, an attention seeker and a loser. They told everyone and the teachers said that they couldn’t have “someone like me” at the school.

The thing is it felt so real that when i woke i thought it happened in real life. So yeh kust though i’d share my dream

xx Soph

January

This month has been okay. I know it’s not over yet, even though i do want it to be. I have felt like i am in this continuous cycle of loosing, gaining, loosing and so on. I have met a new coach who is very controling but worth while, i lost a kg in a day. So i think by having a ruthless influence i am succeeding. As for my self harming i am getting better, i am only cutting when i know for sure i should, so when i do cut i really do feel punished. Friends are still limited as they all chat over lunch and i am never in the hall so.. that’s great. My few friends that are still there for me have no idea about the way i feel i guess thoses acting lessons really payed of. My grades are okay at the moment but they are not my prioirty, i just really want to look and feel nice, fat free. So that is all for now, quite the unevenful month! xx Soph

Welcome

Hi, I am Soph. I’m 14 and have created a blog not for attention but to be able to message others feeling the way i do. I have always had a very low self-esteem but when called ‘bigger’ everything changed. I grew up not knowing about calories or diets, i never judged people for their weight and was a shy, happy girl. It started subconsciously, I’d skip the extra cookie or cracker, but before i knew it i was getting better grades in maths from adding calories. I got a thigh gap, smaller wrists and collar bones I thought it would make me happier. It didn’t, i felt so depressed and tired all the time. I lost all my friends, my grades dropped a lot. I faked being ill so i didn’t have to eat. My best friend of two/three years wouldn’t talk to me, i was so alone. Summer came and i gained weight, so my family wouldn’t suspect anything, and i felt much happier. When September came I found myself  where i was before. As at school the teachers stress you, girls compare themselves to you and (most of all) your alone when you do your homework, well at least i am. Everything got worst i turned to bulimia and restricted even more. i lost 5.2 kg in one and a half month. Which for me was a lot. In the lead up to the festive time i lost control of my eating arrangements (as of the break off school) I needed some control in my life and i saw a blade. The sence of power was amazing that first night however the next night i had to try to do more that i had done before. And that brings us to where i am now, i would say i have just summarised my last year to year and half above. I write a diary on my weight progress and love ding it but i would love to be able to connect with others and here seemed appropriate. So this is goodbye for now but i will chat more soon. xx Soph