23 days.

Hi everyone,

So i am in a blog mood so i just though i should write. So this morning i had an appointment with my nutritionist, where i had a weigh in and a chat about the near future, when it comes to school and everything. When i was there another appointment was made for the 24th of this month which means i have 23 days to lose 10 kg. without eating a lot less as ill be with my family the whole time. I will need to burn about 4000 – 4500 calories per day by exersise and yes. I will cut out snacks and eat less and just drink water.

You are probabliy wondering why though you are doing semi okay. Well i just feel as if this whole thing is just to hard and i need a break from my feeling and well not eating does that and if i want more help i will get it by being a bad weight and i will be taken seriously and i will look nice and well tbh there aren’t that many bad bits behind it. So yes… this is what im going to do!

xoxo 😦

relapse?!

Hi everyone,

So i am in a very low mood so i decided to blog just to get everything of my chest. I am not coping right now. I thought i was doing okay but as soon as i stepped foot into my bedroom all my memories came flooding back. Looking in the mirror i felt fatter than before and just everything in my head just shifted and i felt lost and alone again. I can feel myself sliping back to where i was but only this time i realise its a good thing because i can numb all my pain and that’s what i have realised, that the reason recovery is so very difficult, even though i am now phisically healthy, as i have to face all my problems head on and i can’t help but think its not worth it. I’m not worth it. therefore i am not going to try anymore but atthe same time im not, not trying. If that makes any sence. so i wont try or not try, i’ll just see what happens. As i can’t continue like this.  So lets just wait and see, mind you i haven’t accually got my period again but i might just say i have but its been a little random and stuff. I am meeting the people tommorow so yep 😦 xoxo see u soon

A surreal experience

Hi everyone, back again.

So today is the 31st of July and i just came home from a family holiday. On the holiday i secretely stuggled with everything but didnt want to burdin my parents by telling them so i kept everything to myself.

About a week ago i had the most surreal dream and for some reason it made sense and in a weird way it felt like it could happen, which it won’t. I was at school and in the cafiteria when i heard mummbering and the next thing i know i jump over the counted and grab a knife andrun out of the school, going into an alleyway. From there i write a letter saying goodbye to everyone and i was about to die when a guy in my year, who i havent spoken to in ages, comes up to me and says its okay and ican get help and that so many people love and would miss me. I was in shock and as he took the knife awayhe hugged me. An ambulence was called and i got in it and woke up. Some people would take this as a sign that i am meant to live on and that it just shows but to me it put things in perspective and that the guy doesn’t care about me and thati know for a fact cuz i haven’t spoken to him in so long and that i know if i ever acted upset that no one would follow me.

so yes that was my dream and i just thought i would document it here before i forget it

xoxo 🙂

the worst day.

wow. long time no blog. so much has changed but i’ll talk about that another time, right now i am going to talk about sunday. i woke up at about 10ish and i tried to log in to my anorexia account that i have been running since 2015 only to find out that it had been disabled my heart honestly sank. from an outsiders view it might just have looked like thinspiration but it was the only place i could just chat to people and just express myself and ask for advise. then i went to the loo to then find i have started my period, for the first time, which just made me feel great,sarcasm, as it means my weight is ‘that’ high, you know. anyway im back on here and will be chatting more so feel free to comment ❤ ❤

Dream or Reality

Date – 4.3.17

Last night i had a really vivid dream that felt so incredibly real. I was at school and i was changing for P.E. then suddenly everyone was laughing at how fat i was, they were trying to count the rolls. I started to cry and they all called me an attention seeker so i ran into a cubicle. Then i was at home and cutting myself but then everyone was there and they were calling me fake, an attention seeker and a loser. They told everyone and the teachers said that they couldn’t have “someone like me” at the school.

The thing is it felt so real that when i woke i thought it happened in real life. So yeh kust though i’d share my dream

xx Soph

Blink of an Eye

Hi, im back and i honestly don’t know how i feel. I have gained 4 kg but somehow feel happier, i am on a school holiday maybe the lack of stress is changing me and on monday everything will change.

Its friday now. I have finished my week back and i knew my happiness would not last i am so stressed and i keep eating so much fucking food. At the moment i am eating 400- 600 calories a day and i feel sick just looking in the mirror. I am self harming again but i’m scared as i use my thighs and in summer i am going on a beach holiday.

Right now i feel like i want help as i am constantly faking everything and i don’t know if i can do it for much longer but at them same time i am not skinny enough to get help.

I often have dreams about me dying and how everything would be so much better that way but i can’t to that to my family, it would break my mums heart. I am so embarrassed that i am this attention seaking, can’t i just be normal but what is normal.

I feel like everyone is moving on and making new friends and i am too socially retarded to even say hi and if i do talk i get nervous and don’t stop talking. So i just smile at everyone and laugh at everything just so people feel apprechated.

I sometimes imagine sonarious that i go to my mentor person at school and just say everything that i fake being happy, that i cut myself, that i try to starve myself and that i buy tons of parocetomal so if i want to end everything i can, but that’s only imaginary. Infact at school i am known for being so postive and happy.

I probabliy will end up being that girl that just is silent and everyone thinks is a freak,  but thats if i am not already.

So yeh, sorry for my ramble i just needed to vent.

much love. x.

January

This month has been okay. I know it’s not over yet, even though i do want it to be. I have felt like i am in this continuous cycle of loosing, gaining, loosing and so on. I have met a new coach who is very controling but worth while, i lost a kg in a day. So i think by having a ruthless influence i am succeeding. As for my self harming i am getting better, i am only cutting when i know for sure i should, so when i do cut i really do feel punished. Friends are still limited as they all chat over lunch and i am never in the hall so.. that’s great. My few friends that are still there for me have no idea about the way i feel i guess thoses acting lessons really payed of. My grades are okay at the moment but they are not my prioirty, i just really want to look and feel nice, fat free. So that is all for now, quite the unevenful month! xx Soph

Welcome

Hi, I am Soph. I’m 14 and have created a blog not for attention but to be able to message others feeling the way i do. I have always had a very low self-esteem but when called ‘bigger’ everything changed. I grew up not knowing about calories or diets, i never judged people for their weight and was a shy, happy girl. It started subconsciously, I’d skip the extra cookie or cracker, but before i knew it i was getting better grades in maths from adding calories. I got a thigh gap, smaller wrists and collar bones I thought it would make me happier. It didn’t, i felt so depressed and tired all the time. I lost all my friends, my grades dropped a lot. I faked being ill so i didn’t have to eat. My best friend of two/three years wouldn’t talk to me, i was so alone. Summer came and i gained weight, so my family wouldn’t suspect anything, and i felt much happier. When September came I found myself  where i was before. As at school the teachers stress you, girls compare themselves to you and (most of all) your alone when you do your homework, well at least i am. Everything got worst i turned to bulimia and restricted even more. i lost 5.2 kg in one and a half month. Which for me was a lot. In the lead up to the festive time i lost control of my eating arrangements (as of the break off school) I needed some control in my life and i saw a blade. The sence of power was amazing that first night however the next night i had to try to do more that i had done before. And that brings us to where i am now, i would say i have just summarised my last year to year and half above. I write a diary on my weight progress and love ding it but i would love to be able to connect with others and here seemed appropriate. So this is goodbye for now but i will chat more soon. xx Soph